Are You Holding On To The Victim In You?

Glorious morning! 

 Today's quote to expand on is

“ The only way out is through “

I know first hand that this is true. I have learned that the only way to release and let go of our baggage is to forgive. By the way, releasing and letting go are two separate things. Let me explain. Releasing is great right? I mean if we say words or have intentions of releasing old traumas then they disappear from our emotional body right? Unfortunately it is not that simple.

We can say we forgive someone all day long but that doesn't necessarily release the trigger around the original offense. Releasing is only the first step to healing. When I was 11 my uncle attempted the unthinkable. I was told many years later in marriage counseling that I needed to forgive my uncle in order to heal the past event. The counselor said I need to have a brief conversation with him ( my uncle had already passed on ) and express my hurt and feelings of betrayal. Well I did that but continued to experience dysfunction in my marriage when it came to intimacy. I still had anxiety surrounding the subject of sex and I still had issues walking alone in parks and such. So why didn't verbally forgiving him work completely ?

At the time it did make me feel proud of myself that I had confronted him and stood up for myself in that way ( even though it was a role play without him physically being there) and gave me some relief but it didn't heal me completely. I needed to go back to that day and start to get some answers as to why the betrayal, and the how? How could someone you love do such a thing? If I didn't come to understand those things on some level, I would forever walk around as a victim. You see, a victim is the only one seen as “ tragic” in the situation. The perpetrator is seen as evil. As long as that is the mindset, true and complete healing can never occur. I needed to contemplate the victim in HIM the day he did that to me. What kind of life did he have growing up? What was done to him? Did he experience love, concern and care as a child or the opposite like, neglect and abuse? Instead of just wondering “ how could he do that to me” I finally started to investigate those answers.

I did find out that he was treated horribly as a child and ran away from his foster home at 16. Seeing the human in the person who hurts us is important for complete healing. I eventually realized that his whole life was tragic, while my childhood was amazing but had that one tragic day. I don't condone his behavior obviously but understanding why people do horrible things is important to actually letting go of the triggers that keep the event in place. Yes it takes a lot of courage to take our victimness out of the driver's seat and realize we are all victims at some point in our lives and need healing from that mindset in order to be the victor. When we stay victims, we stay hurt. My uncle obviously never healed his victim wounds and played them out instead. We may get victimized in our lives but we don't need to carry that hurt around.

So back to “ The only way out is through” quote. Yes, to be free of the residue of pain sometimes is to walk through someone else's pain and realize this is a wounded planet in need of complete healing. Not just speaking the words. When we heal ourselves completely, we help heal the world. Healing the world always starts with us. When we finally heal those dark places of pain and betrayal inside of us, we can then really help others who have not yet recognized their own victimness and guide them to the victor that we are all meant to be. Do you struggle with forgiveness or harbor ill feelings towards someone? Backpack therapy is a tool that helps people identify their own victimness so they can heal and be victorious.Make a free discovery call today. Peace be with you, Dawn