Are You In A Codependent relationship?

Why Do I Stay?

Glorious morning!

The quote we expand on today is referring to an epidemic on this planet. Codependency. Who sparked my interest in the quote I chose for today? Melody Beattie.

“ A codependent person is one who has let another person”s behavior affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that behavior."

A little background for Melody first. Melody was born in 1948. Her education was highschool only but graduated with honors. She began drinking at the age of 12 and was an alcoholic by age 13 and a drug addict by age 18. She got her degree in the school of hard knocks ( welcome to planet earth ) and wrote 18 books. Some of her books are written about codependency, AH HAAA! To be honest, someone who has lived their solution that they achieved through their personal struggles is someone I trust. Just sayin..

.  “ Okay, here are my two cents.This quote speaks to me so loud and clear because I have personally lived that way unbeknownst to my conscious awareness most of my life.I will get to that soon. First, how and why is codependency in relationships unhealthy? All relationships require a certain amount of give and take, an unhealthy balance is codependency. When we have an obsessive dependence on another person, or a willingness to sacrifice one’s own wants and needs to please another in order to feel loved or validated, we are in an unhealthy codependent relationship. And of course like Melody said, trying to control another's behavior is an unhealthy characteristic to have in relationships and deems us codependent. People with codependency usually demonstrate low self-esteem, obsessiveness, and people pleasing behaviors.

Codependent people also have difficulty setting boundaries and even if they do, rarely follow through with them.  I have also heard it said that every addict has an enabler. Enabling is a codependent behavior. I can relate to the entire description I just gave. Codependent behavior is usually modeled to us as children and children live what they learn. It can also come about from experiencing some form of trauma as a child or living in dysfunctional families where there was a lot of fighting and or alcohol or drug abuse. I experienced a traumatic event at the age of eleven and my parents did their fair share of arguing and eventually ended up divorcing. When children are abused in any way , it leaves a huge space for unworthiness to grow.

That happened in my case and led me right into a relationship where I was obsessed with pleasing my partner. I would often put my needs aside if it meant making him happy. Just that single characteristic can keep us in a perpetual state of the unworthiness that we first felt in childhood. When we are living in that perpetual state, the relationship never changes. The cycle continues. The only thing that finally stopped my cycle of codependency, was me. I finally realized after forty years that if I don't do something to change my situation, I would certainly spend the next forty years in the same dysfunctional cycle. I had all the signs and warnings of being in a codependent relationship,  I was people pleasing, obsessed with changing or controlling his behavior ( because that would fix my situation right? ) constantly wanting to feel validated by him, and sacrificing my own needs. The most amazing insight that I was finally able to admit was that I saw signs of all of that when we first dating. I had plenty of signs that I should not stay in the relationship but did anyway. I stayed out of fear that I could not make it on my own. If we feel we need someone to stand on our own two feet so to speak, that is codependency. What I am developing now that we are divorced, is self reliance.

Self reliance prepares the way for interdependence. Interdependence is the opposite of codependency. Interdependence is where both people’s needs are being met. It’s where both peoples dreams are being pursued with equal support from each other. It’s where everything is shared equally, because not one person is more important than the other. When we have proper self esteem, we would never allow imbalance. Self esteem is directly connected to self love.

Do you struggle understanding why you let people take advantage of your kindness or why you allow disrespectful or abusive behavior? Do you know someone like that? Backpack therapy helps bring clarity and acknowledgement to the unhealthy behaviors and sets a clear stage for change. Make a free discovery call today. Peace be with you, Dawn

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