Controlling our kids

Codependency can be a form of controlling others

Glorious morning!

Today's quote is a bit longer than usual but it struck a chord in me.

“Children are not our property, and they are not ours to control any more that we were our parent’s property or theirs to control”

This quote is from Richard Bach. He is a writer and former pilot. When we first become parents, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of thinking we know what's best for our children. Do we sometimes know what’s best for them? Yes of course, but really only if they are in danger and they cant or don't know how to protect themselves. That’s about it.

I laugh when I say that because I, as a parent, definitely took my parenting job beyond their basic safety needs and taught them First time things like walking, feeding themselves and tying their shoes. We are here to show them how to do things they haven't done before. Here's the tricky bit. Once we show them the workings of this physical life it’s best to leave them alone. Again I laugh because I definitely didn't do that a lot of the time.

Lets’ be honest, if a toddler is walking towards a hot stove and is oblivious to what high temperatures feel like, we immediately say “ oh don't touch that, it’s hot! The toddler has no idea what you're saying, so can not possibly imagine the pain that follows after touching it. So the toddler eventually decides that he will find out the mystery of this big object that he can't touch despite the tone of mommy’s voice that was very serious. He walks over and touches the hot oven door and gets burned. OUCH! And then the tears flow. We say to the child “ I told you not to touch it” but in reality the child needed to experience the why not touch it? Now that the child had his own first hand experience on what it feels like to touch hot surfaces, he can now decide if he will do it again when presented with the same issue. We as parents can warn all we want but once they become teenagers, they really do need to experience life for themselves in order to learn how to live their own life. The problem with parents ( I was one of them ) is we want to protect too much and don't want them to experience any kind of pain, mainly because we don't want to feel their pain. Pain is a part of growth.

We also sometimes unconsciously do not want to give up the job of guiding them. I mean if we give up that job THEN what would we do with our time and where would we be putting that focus. It can develop into codependency. I am currently trying to wean myself off of helping my 24 year old daughter financially, you know like car insurance, contacts for her eyes and occasional money for gas. I definitely don't mind giving up my money but I know I am only enabling her to not require herself to make more money and to budget whatever she makes now. I could also be using the money I give her to grow my own money by investing it or saving it.

We think we are being loving and generous but if we are helping more than occasionally for their personal expenses, we are basically supporting them AS IF they cant do it themselves. It does not empower them and it drains our own wealth. This month I am implementing a new rule to help wean her off paying for her contacts. I simply said I will not order them until you hand me half of the money. ( I have been paying the entire amount since she was 12 ) I also said I will be requiring more and more money upfront each time. Eventually she will see that she can pay them all by herself if she has to. I am learning the less I do for them, the stronger they will become. It is not easy to get out of a habit of showing my love in the way of paying for things. I now know, I will better serve her my love by believing in her own ability to make as much money as she needs to live the life she wants. I will show my love by being her biggest fan.

How about any of you parents out there? Do you struggle with codependency with your kids? Backpack therapy is a great tool to help identify where the codependency lies and why.Make a free discovery call today. Peace be with you, Dawn

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